Why Can't We All Work Together?

WHY CAN’T WE ALL WORK TOGETHER FOR SUCCESS?

In the quest to help the 35,000,000 suffering from the abuse or dependency on alcohol, illegal and prescription drugs, it seems to me that we should willing to pool as many of our resources as is possible. Quite frankly, it isn’t as if any one of us is making a considerable dent in the number of persons suffering from this disease. Each year the number of addicts and alcoholics continues to rise in percentage greater than the growth of the general population.

On the Topic of Pharmaceuticals

Pharmaceutical manufacturers want us to believe that they have the “cure” in a pill coming soon, in fact in some forms already available. They interpret the “cure” as no longer having constant cravings for your drug of choice. It has always been the quest of pharmacology to give us a pill and we feel better! Heck! We already knew that – that’s why we self-medicate!

Yes, a pill to help reduce the cravings while we work on the more deep-seated problems that lead to addictive behavior is great. In my treatment program I have described buprenorphine (Suboxone, Subatex) as “God’s gift to opiate addicts.” I see the medication as a bridge. It allow my patient to focus on the process of recovery and the issues that lie at the root of their addiction rather than focusing constantly on the cravings that detract them from the purpose at hand. Certainly Campral is helpful for alcoholics trying to focus on recovery rather than drinking. But it never has and it never will “cure” addiction unless it can metamorphoses into the form of a counselor and sit down for hours on end and work therapeutically with a patient deciphering the life-issues they have dealt with and have secreted away in the dark recesses of their heart.

I applaud this effort and hope that the pharmaceutical industry continues to work on this problem. But never have I heard an ad that says, “in addition to taking this medicine, your chances of a successful recovery (not a word they use) will be greatly increased by participation in a structured treatment program, participation in a 12-Step Program and improvement in your spiritual life by participating in the programs of your local church or synagogue of your choice.”

On the Topic of AA

This brings me to 12-Step Programs. I am confident that I have referred more people to AA and NA in my community than anyone else. Every patient that I work with (8,000 in the last 9 years) is required to participate in AA and NA meetings. I don’t work the steps with my patients, I introduce them to the Steps, explain their value, identify the benefits of going, the value of a sponsor, benefits of getting to know other people in recovery, etc.

However, most who go and find a sponsor are told by their sponsor that treatment is not necessary, that all they need can be found in the Big Book, going to meetings and working with their sponsor. I guess I missed something, but I thought we got something from all the different things we participate in.

Let’s look at the heart of the Steps – Step 1-3, all of which deal with developing our conscious contact with God. Rarely, however, do I find a sponsor trying to get someone to attend church, to participate in the community of believers. Some of my NA friends do and I am filled with joy at the direction they are going.

If AA believes that before we can ever move on with the Steps, we must not only believe there is a God, but we must believe there is a God that loves us, and that furthermore there is a God who will DIRECTLY intervene in our lives by placing people there who will help us learn to deal with the root issues of our addiction, face the problems of life, and learn to live life with a dependency on ourselves and our own self-confidence rather than a dependency on chemicals, then you would think they would be running busses from AA meetings on Sunday morning to all the churches in the neighborhood!

If I were sponsoring someone, I can’t imagine a more wonderful activity for them than becoming involved in the life-blood of a church, engaging in activities with other believers. Not only for themselves but for their spouse and their family as well. If the fellowship of AA is successful because we derive value from being around those who are recovering, then isn’t it just as likely that we will become spiritually successful by communing with that fellowship of believers in a house of Worship?

On the Topic of Celebrate Recovery

This brings me to the churches and in particular those who host Celebrate Recovery. I was excited when the first CR program came to our city. I ordered the material from Saddleback and began studying the material. Some I disagreed with, but in general I thought a 12-Step program from a Christian perspective was a good thing for many people. I promoted it and sent dozens of patients to the programs. Now the same churches I sent patients to reject treatment programs, suggesting to me that CR is all they need.

This leads me to my thought for the day:

It is so Wrong for us to assume that any of our efforts are single-handedly solving the problem. The number of those suffering continues to grow while amongst us there is a co-opting of beliefs that we have the Answer.

In the film “Finding Hope,” I described recovery as a table with four legs: one leg was the tool’s, coping strategies and search for the root causes of addiction that one can learn in a treatment program.

The second is participation in the non-judgmental fellowship of a 12-Step Program where we can openly discuss the struggles we are going through and our feelings about being sober.

The third is our spiritual centeredness that we find by communing with those who love God the way we do and want to do his will.

And fourthly is the nurture and care of our bodies. This may include medication to help us through the recovery process; diet and exercise to keep the one “vessel” we have in good working order; eliminating other addictive and destructive behaviors such as smoking, dipping and pornography.

A table with four legs is the table I want my life to rest upon. Take out one leg and Your life will rest on a precarious platform, one that most likely will fall over and fail.

Success comes with grabbing ahold of all you can get. Go to meetings, go to treatment, go to church, and go to your Doctor for help, diet and exercise. There is no downside to doing it all and you will statistically have a far superior chance for success. Leave one out and your chances drop dramatically.

Please post your thoughts!

Dr. Fred

Treatment Vs. 12-Step Programs

It seems to be a constant source of discussion - should those suffering from a dependency on alcohol or drugs go to 12-Step Meetings, or should they go to a treatment program?  I don't know why we seem to think this is an either/or situation.  It's not as if either produces 100% success.  Statistically, the best chance for success is to complete a treatment program (rehab) and simultaneously participate in a 12-Step program.  

I know in my treatment program, I begin "preaching" the virtues of 12-Step programs on the first night.  I encourage my patients to seek a group they feel comfortable with and start going. I encourage them to seek a temporary sponsor as soon as possible.  Before they graduate, I insist on knowing where they are going and how they are doing on step work.

What frustrates me are sponsors who get hold of patients and tell them they don't need a program.  Why?  I believe the answer is that that takes some of the power out of the hands of sponsors. Now they are not the only source of knowledge, support, guidance, etc. for the patient.  Of course, that is contrary to the words of the Big Book, which suggest the purpose is to share our stories with others, not tell them how to lead their life.

In treatment programs, we utilize counselors who are expert in anger management, stress management, relationship experts, those well versed in codependency, setting boundaries, developing relapse prevention plans and many other skills.  We teach patients how to learn to "relive" their lives once they stop using or drinking.  This is the task ahead of them - without the shield of their drug of choice, what keeps them healthy when the pain of the past haunts them, when the difficulties of life confront them?  The answer is to learn new skills to cope with those events, leaning on our own self-confidence and our own ability, to step up to the plate and confront life with renewed confidence!  

Being thankful for where we are, we can go to a meeting and share our good fortune and our new skills with others - hopefully raising the statistical probability of success even higher for all.  

Blessings,

Dr. Fred

Graduation

Wow, what a night! Twelve graduates from the program.

Graduation is a time of both celebration and sadness. We are filled with joy at seeing so many lives turned around and made whole again, yet we are sad in seeing those whom we have had the privilege of working with leave us. I know they will be back for aftercare, but I will miss the day to day interaction we have with them.

Listening to what their program of recovery has brought into their lives is amazing. Improved communication skills with their spouse and kids; learning to handle stress as it comes to us each day; dealing with conflict when it arises; managing anger; learning to deal with emotions as they occur so they don't trigger us to go back where we came from. It is truly a blessing to hear the joy of our graduates as they move on down the pathway of life, filled with new energy, positive energy, trusting in the goodness of their Higher Power and reaching out for those He has put in their lives to help them now.

When one graduate says "for the first time in my life people are proud of me", "I wouldn't have made it through the difficulties I faced just while I was in the program were it not for my counselor." my heart was moved as were so many. So many blessings.

But the room was also filled also with family, husbands, wives, children, parents. Those whose lives have been ripped apart by the disease of addiction. As they choked back the tears, expressing the gratitude they have for their loved one finally "seeing the light", I always think that the program is as much for them as for our patient - both experience a new way of life with the recovery program.

So when all was said and done, when everyone was hugged and congratulated and the room was empty of the 75 or so wellwishers and patients, I stood alone in the room, looking around, filled with a peacefulness I don't know if I have felt so strongly in a long time. Sometimes, in running a treatment program, the drive for numbers, being sure all the "i's are dotted that the "t's" are crossed, being sure that we are in total complicance with all local, county, state and federal requirement, seems to be overwhelming.

But in the empty room it all came back to me that this was the mission with which we were charged - bringing healing to the hearts of so many. This is what it is all about. This is why we are here. How blessed we are.

Blessings Terry, Joel, Tim, Jayna, Brenda, Eric, Mario, Jennie, Jolene, Chris, Karen, Trisha
There is a sweet, sweet Spirit in this place.

Dr. Fred

Things to be Thankful for

This is Sunday, August 17, 2008. It is a great day! For many reasons which I shall list below:

1. One of our friends celebrates her 5^th year sober today! Congratulations!
2. We have cooler weather in Dallas – 15 degrees cooler than normal.
3. Wonderful dogs and cats
4. Freedom to do whatever we choose to do in life
5. Watching the Olympics
6. Having the hope that we can live a life that is happy, joyous and free
7. Being sober and unchained from alcohol and drugs
8. Having access to so many friends and others in recovery who can help us through each day
9. Chili’s Baby Back Ribs
10. Blonde California Girls
11. Red BMW Convertibles
12. The Cowboys
13. The Mavericks
14. The Rangers
15. The Roughriders
16. The Desperados
17. (all for you sports fans)
18. Dozens of great new movies out we can go see
19. Taking a walk around White Rock Lake
20. Walking my dogs around the neighborhood
21. i-Tunes
22. My Laptop
23. Life Management Resources where we get to save lives every day
24. Sobriety Today and Finding Hope which have changed the lives of over 10,000 people already
25. My family, present and departed, who gift(ed) me my entire life.

Please add your own to the list!

Have a blessed day,

Dr. Fred

Having a Sober Father's Day

Good Sunday Morning and Happy Father's Day.....

I realized early this morning that I have spent more years as a father than my father did. Having kids early in life helps.

But in giving thanks for the privilege of being a father to my three wonderful children, I realize that it is just one of the many blessings of life that we seem to commemorate on a special day of the year set aside for such purpose. But the blessings of fatherhood don't just happen once a year, they happen every day of my life. There should never be a day when I don't give thanks for being a father, for the blessings that accrue to me hour by hour each day.

Sobriety is like that. We seem to get preoccupied with the length of sobriety sometimes: got my 60 day, got my 1 yr., got my 5 yr. or 10 yr. chip. Not that marking these milestones is not important, but we derive benefits from staying sober hour by hour. My friend Dan says he puts his wallet and his car keys under his bed before he goes to bed each night. Figures he has to be on his knees the next morning to pick them up, good time to give thanks. Of course that's where he was the night before when he put them there and gave thanks for that day of sobriety.

Don't wait for a special day to give thanks for being a dad, mom, child, sober recovering person. Do it everyday. Be thankful.

To all the Dad's out there - Happy Father's Day!

Dr. Fred

What it takes to be rid of Resentments: Forgiveness!

What it takes to be rid of Resentments: Forgiveness!

Culturally this is a term we often get confused. We seem to think of forgiveness as a process whereby we have been injured by someone and we have built a resentment towards them. In order to be rid of the resentment, we need for them to come to us, apologize profusely, we accept (or reject) their apology, and then we magnanimously forgive them.

The problem with this model is that in way too many cases we don’t want to see the person again. Maybe it was someone who molested you as a child. Maybe it was a cruel person who inflicted great emotional damage upon you. Maybe they are dead! How can we forgive?

Well the answer is simple. We forgive, not for their sake, but for ours. We have been carrying the burden of their offense like a backpack full of rocks for years of decades. It weighs us down. It occupies space in our head. It causes us to find unhealthy ways to rid ourselves of the emotional pain. We turn to alcohol or drugs to find a moment of peace. But the unhealthy solutions don’t last. Forgiveness gives us the chance to be done with the offense forever. When we forgive, we unshackle ourselves from the offender. We loosen the control they have over us. We free ourselves from the fear that keeps us in misery. Feeling the power we have in doing so gives us control over the unhealthy emotional pain we feel and we can be done with it forever.

Forgiveness does all this for us.

Below is a chart I use that helps place forgiveness in the framework that will enable us to avoid the control fear has over us.

No longer needing alcohol, drugs, chemical dependency. We are free to move on with our lives.

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS AND IS NOT………….
FORGIVENESS IS NOT	FORGIVENESS IS
It is NOT forgetting.	It is healing!
You cannot forget, nor should you. Not forgetting keeps us from letting it happen again.	It is the process of letting go.
It is NOT condoning. By forgiving, we do NOT make a statement that what was done was acceptable	It is accepting the truth that it did happen, that it was unacceptable, and that we can live beyond it.
It is NOT hanging on.	It is moving on.
It is not wanting to punish a person forever.	It is choosing to not continue to punish yourself.
It is not hoping they will suffer as much as you.	It is coming to a place of peace.

In a few days I will give you 8 Steps to begin practicing that will help you with forgiveness.

If in the meantime you have comments, please post them. If you need help, if you have sensed you are becoming an alcoholic or addict, or if other compulsive behaviors have overtaken you and you want the insanity to end but have questions about where to start, please go to my website www.sobrietytoday.com. There you can find a magnificent film, Finding Hope, that has helped thousands answer the questions they have about their unhealthy behavior. In addition the website offers links to the National Treatment Locator that will help you find help anywhere in the United States.

I’ll be back on Sunday, June 1, 2008. God Bless.

Dr. Fred

Resentments and Forgiveness

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Today we embarked on a journey to find an answer to perhaps the most troubling issue we confront: the maintenance of resentments. Page 66 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says:

" It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die."

The writer of the statement which has been a source of strength to millions, certainly did not consider the maintenance of resentments to be a minor difficulty. He suggest that a life of carrying resentments leads to “futility”, “unhappiness”, is “infinitely grave” and has been found to be “fatal.” None of these being situations we want to have in our life in recovery.

Lets spend a minute talking about what a resentment is in the first place. To resent means to re-experience a feeling we had about a person or an event in the past, and associated with that “memory” are certain feelings. Some feelings may be positive, others negative and evoke a feeling of anger. So, important to remember is that they are events in the past, not the present. They are feelings experienced by a younger “you” maybe as a child or adolescent, not by you at the age you are today. This will make more sense as we move on.

I always think of carrying resentments as carrying a backpack full of stones. Each one a resentment that should have been put down long ago. Where did they come from? Well, each stone is the burden of an offense that was done to us (or we did to ourselves). Lets say that ten years ago I loaned my friend Bob $500.00. He said he needed the money and I barely had that much be I loaned it to him anyway. He promised he would repay it within the month. Ten years later – not a dime! Boy, every time I think about Bob, hear the name “Bob”, see the number 500, I get angry. That anger I still carry is a rock in my backpack, it burdens me down, it does, as page 66 above suggest, causes me to “squander hours that might have been worth while.” In time, enough of these burdens and I will be “shut off from the sunlight of the Spirit” and my insanity will return.

Do you think that today Bob is worrying about me? Of course not. He probably hasn’t thought of this situation in years. Only me. What did I do? I was the good guy and now I’m the victim. So I continue to carry Bob’s offense in my backpack, letting it weigh me down everyday. I want to be done with this burden. I want to take the backpack off my back and be able to be at peace. I want serenity. I want to move on with life. What do I have to do to be able to achieve those goals?

The answer, my dear readers, is Forgiveness. I love this topic, maybe because I have asked for so much of it in my life I’m really good at it!

Until tomorrow, think about people, institutions, yourself – that have heaped hurt on you over your life and the pain it causes you when you recall that event today. We will soon learn what forgiveness is and how to do it!

Dr. Fred

For more information please visit our website at www.sobrietytoday.com