What it takes to be rid of Resentments: Forgiveness!

What it takes to be rid of Resentments: Forgiveness!

Culturally this is a term we often get confused. We seem to think of forgiveness as a process whereby we have been injured by someone and we have built a resentment towards them. In order to be rid of the resentment, we need for them to come to us, apologize profusely, we accept (or reject) their apology, and then we magnanimously forgive them.

The problem with this model is that in way too many cases we don’t want to see the person again. Maybe it was someone who molested you as a child. Maybe it was a cruel person who inflicted great emotional damage upon you. Maybe they are dead! How can we forgive?

Well the answer is simple. We forgive, not for their sake, but for ours. We have been carrying the burden of their offense like a backpack full of rocks for years of decades. It weighs us down. It occupies space in our head. It causes us to find unhealthy ways to rid ourselves of the emotional pain. We turn to alcohol or drugs to find a moment of peace. But the unhealthy solutions don’t last. Forgiveness gives us the chance to be done with the offense forever. When we forgive, we unshackle ourselves from the offender. We loosen the control they have over us. We free ourselves from the fear that keeps us in misery. Feeling the power we have in doing so gives us control over the unhealthy emotional pain we feel and we can be done with it forever.

Forgiveness does all this for us.

Below is a chart I use that helps place forgiveness in the framework that will enable us to avoid the control fear has over us.

No longer needing alcohol, drugs, chemical dependency. We are free to move on with our lives.

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS AND IS NOT………….
FORGIVENESS IS NOT	FORGIVENESS IS
It is NOT forgetting.	It is healing!
You cannot forget, nor should you. Not forgetting keeps us from letting it happen again.	It is the process of letting go.
It is NOT condoning. By forgiving, we do NOT make a statement that what was done was acceptable	It is accepting the truth that it did happen, that it was unacceptable, and that we can live beyond it.
It is NOT hanging on.	It is moving on.
It is not wanting to punish a person forever.	It is choosing to not continue to punish yourself.
It is not hoping they will suffer as much as you.	It is coming to a place of peace.

In a few days I will give you 8 Steps to begin practicing that will help you with forgiveness.

If in the meantime you have comments, please post them. If you need help, if you have sensed you are becoming an alcoholic or addict, or if other compulsive behaviors have overtaken you and you want the insanity to end but have questions about where to start, please go to my website www.sobrietytoday.com. There you can find a magnificent film, Finding Hope, that has helped thousands answer the questions they have about their unhealthy behavior. In addition the website offers links to the National Treatment Locator that will help you find help anywhere in the United States.

I’ll be back on Sunday, June 1, 2008. God Bless.

Dr. Fred