Resentments and Forgiveness

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Today we embarked on a journey to find an answer to perhaps the most troubling issue we confront: the maintenance of resentments. Page 66 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says:

" It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die."

The writer of the statement which has been a source of strength to millions, certainly did not consider the maintenance of resentments to be a minor difficulty. He suggest that a life of carrying resentments leads to “futility”, “unhappiness”, is “infinitely grave” and has been found to be “fatal.” None of these being situations we want to have in our life in recovery.

Lets spend a minute talking about what a resentment is in the first place. To resent means to re-experience a feeling we had about a person or an event in the past, and associated with that “memory” are certain feelings. Some feelings may be positive, others negative and evoke a feeling of anger. So, important to remember is that they are events in the past, not the present. They are feelings experienced by a younger “you” maybe as a child or adolescent, not by you at the age you are today. This will make more sense as we move on.

I always think of carrying resentments as carrying a backpack full of stones. Each one a resentment that should have been put down long ago. Where did they come from? Well, each stone is the burden of an offense that was done to us (or we did to ourselves). Lets say that ten years ago I loaned my friend Bob $500.00. He said he needed the money and I barely had that much be I loaned it to him anyway. He promised he would repay it within the month. Ten years later – not a dime! Boy, every time I think about Bob, hear the name “Bob”, see the number 500, I get angry. That anger I still carry is a rock in my backpack, it burdens me down, it does, as page 66 above suggest, causes me to “squander hours that might have been worth while.” In time, enough of these burdens and I will be “shut off from the sunlight of the Spirit” and my insanity will return.

Do you think that today Bob is worrying about me? Of course not. He probably hasn’t thought of this situation in years. Only me. What did I do? I was the good guy and now I’m the victim. So I continue to carry Bob’s offense in my backpack, letting it weigh me down everyday. I want to be done with this burden. I want to take the backpack off my back and be able to be at peace. I want serenity. I want to move on with life. What do I have to do to be able to achieve those goals?

The answer, my dear readers, is Forgiveness. I love this topic, maybe because I have asked for so much of it in my life I’m really good at it!

Until tomorrow, think about people, institutions, yourself – that have heaped hurt on you over your life and the pain it causes you when you recall that event today. We will soon learn what forgiveness is and how to do it!

Dr. Fred

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